I was inspired to write this article after witnessing several incidents that made me wonder why people can be incredibly nasty, especially to those they don't know.
As a young child travelling on a bus, I observed two girls on the top deck pointing and laughing at passers-by. Why? I didn't know. It upset me because those people are strangers - someone's child, friend, or grandparent. Why were they so mean? What was so funny? The odd thing is, I bet they wouldn't be so mean if they took the time to get to know them. Or if someone else was laughing at their family members.
More recently, while travelling on a train, I overheard a gentleman say to his companion, "I can't stand her." Shortly after, he added, "I've yet to meet her." That means he must have only heard rumours or stories about her, which could be biased or based on blatant lies or prejudice.
This article combines science with personal experience and my own deep dive into why humans tend to dislike one another. I conducted interviews with people in my life (strangers and otherwise) and have presented my findings here.
Table of Contents
- Why Would People Take an Instant Dislike to Me?
- The Fine Line Between Being Tolerated and Being Hated
- People Can Dislike You Because of Their Phobias (Fears)
- Why Do Strangers Hate Me Without Knowing Me?
- Additional Reasons Why People Might Dislike You
- Social Anxiety - Everyone Hates Me Syndrome (Video)
- What Can I Do About People's Hatred or Dislike of Me?
- Why Do Some People Hate Themselves?
- Key Takeaways
- Inspirational Quotes
- Poll: Do you judge people by their initial appearance?
- Poll: How long does it take you to make an opinion of someone you've just met?
Why Would People Take an Instant Dislike To Me?
You may not realise or even believe that people can take an instant dislike to you just from your first meeting and without even knowing you. How often have you said, "I don't like the look of them"?
After reading this handy guide, you'll wonder no more why someone may not like you - to learn to get over it and realise it's just a fact of life, and sometimes, it's not personal.
There are numerous reasons, including personal appearance, people's phobias, and people's compatibility with you. It could even relate to your star sign or personality. Other possible causes of hatred include;
- People who have experienced trauma or injustice in their personal lives or as part of a marginalised group may be more guarded or defensive around others. They may feel that others are not trustworthy or may be a threat to their safety. For example, a person who has been the victim of domestic abuse may be wary of men in general and may take an instant dislike to male acquaintances.
- Unfortunately, social status can influence how people perceive and interact with others. Someone of lower social status may be looked down upon or treated poorly by others, leading to feelings of dislike or resentment.
- People with different values or beliefs may find it hard to connect or relate to one another. They may feel that the other person's values are wrong or even offensive. For instance, a religious person may take an instant dislike to someone who is openly atheist, or vice versa.
- If someone has gone through a traumatic experience or has been a victim of injustice, they may be more cautious or defensive around others, which could be interpreted as unfriendly or unapproachable.
- Sometimes, people may dislike you because of a misunderstanding or miscommunication. For example, someone naturally quiet and introverted may come across as aloof or unfriendly to someone who is more outgoing and expects others to be more talkative.
- Miscommunication or lack of communication can lead to misunderstandings and negative feelings, causing others to dislike you. Examples could include interrupting others, using confusing language, not actively listening, becoming defensive, or using inappropriate humour.
- Another reason for people's dislike or hatred towards someone could be due to differences in values or beliefs that can lead to disagreements and conflicts, resulting in negative feelings towards one another.
- People who are jealous of you may take an instant dislike of you. They may feel resentful of your success or accomplishments, or they may feel inferior in comparison.
- Prejudice or discrimination based on race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, gender or identity.
The Fine Line Between Being Tolerated and Being Hated
I'll never forget what a friend once said. "I'm like Marmite, but people either tolerate me or hate me." It was a humorous yet candid observation that always stuck with me.
Some people are not hated but tolerated out of obligation or politeness in situations such as at work, where colleagues may not have a personal connection with you. This can also be the case with those who don't actively engage with others or make an effort to build relationships.
If you're quiet or reserved, others may not know how to approach you and may not feel motivated to make the first move. On the other hand, if you come across as overly aggressive or domineering, others may be put off and choose to keep their distance.
Another factor that can contribute to being passively tolerated is you have a negative attitude or demeanour. If you consistently complain or bring down the mood of those around you, others may not want to spend time with you, even if they don't actively dislike you.
People Can Dislike You Because of Their Phobias (Fears)
The following phobias are just a few of the 500 + phobias related to why someone could fear you (not hate you).
- Alliumphobia: Fear of anything relating to garlic.
- Androphobiais: Fear of adult men.
- Anthropophobia: Fear of people.
- Chromophobia: Fear of colours.
- Coulrophobia: Fear of the look of clowns.
- Gynophobia: Fear of women.
- Peladophobia: Fear of bald people.
- Pogonophobia: Fear of people with beards.
- Sociophobia: Fear of people or society in general.
- Xenophobia: Fear of strangers or foreigners.
When individuals come face-to-face with their phobias, they may experience overwhelming feelings of fear, panic, and a strong urge to avoid the situation or object that triggers their phobia.
Why Do Strangers Hate Me Without Knowing Me?
After a considerable amount of time and research, I studiously discovered why people could take an instant dislike to you. I accomplished this through my observations, watching more than my fair share of reality TV shows, and asking everybody I knew - as well as asking random strangers I found in various online chat rooms who were brutally honest with their answers to my question. It was easy for them to be frank while hiding behind a keyboard of anonymity.
I asked them: What would make you instantly dislike or hate someone you've seen for the first time? A consensus of their answers appears below in no particular order. The average ages were between 18 - 70.
Note: I have omitted the expletive, racist, and homophobic obscenities.
Physical Appearance: Clothing, Accessories, and More
It was bizarre how such trivial things like the clothing someone chooses to wear and how they wear them affected strangers' opinions of them. For example, guys wearing their jeans and trousers "too low" and exposing their underpants were enough for people's hatred of them. Women with low-cut tops revealing "too much" flesh or clothing that showed people's large tummies were reasons for people's hate or severe dislike for someone.
People who dye their hair green, blue and pink to express their individuality or personality, those who wear nose "Bull" rings, those with "excessive" facial or body hair, and those who dislike the rich (said by poor people) were more reasons for people's hatred/dislike for others.
Racism, prejudices, bias, and discrimination; it's a sad fact of life that some people will dislike you purely because of your ethnicity, age, religion, class or culture, and things are not getting any better. People can also be sexist and ageist because of their insecurities or lack of compassion.
New research has suggested that a single glance of a 10th of a second (a blink-of-an-eye) is sufficient to form a reliable first impression of someone, and "increased exposure time led to more differentiated person impressions".
If you look very similar to someone that another person doesn't like, it might be harder to make that person like you, particularly if you have the same behaviour and mannerisms. To overcome this, approach the situation with patience, empathy, and a willingness to connect with the individual based on your unique qualities and personality rather than relying on your physical resemblance to the disliked person.
Common Discrimination
Unfortunately, in this day and age, far too many people are still homophobic. Some people said they hated those who were not just gay, but straight men who "acted or looked too gay".
Some people hate people who wear religious attire. From Burkas to veils that cover the face. How could someone feel hatred or dislike for someone without conversing with or getting to know them? Do they have to see what's under their coverings to make an opinion or judge them?
Additional Reasons Why People Might Dislike You
I asked them, "If you had no bad feelings about someone you've just met, what would make you dislike them once you're engaged in conversation and are better acquainted"? The following were their replies.: "Bad breath, body odour" and "People who spray spit when they speak".
Others mentioned that they dislike some people, not so much for what they said, but how they said it or their tone of voice. Talking in a monotone voice may be perceived as dull or uninterested, leading to feelings of dislike. Speaking condescendingly or dismissively can make the other person feel disrespected or unimportant, leading to dislike or resentment. Communicating in a loud or aggressive voice can come across as intimidating or hostile and create tension or discomfort.
Body Language Is a Big Deal
Body language; crossing arms could be perceived as a defensive or closed-off posture, potentially leading to distrust or discomfort in others. Standoffish or disinterested people can come across as unfriendly or unapproachable. Avoiding eye contact could be perceived as shifty or untrustworthy, potentially leading to feelings of suspicion or dislike. Rolling eyes is a sign of disrespect or dismissiveness, which could trigger irritation or anger in others. Standing too close to someone could be perceived as invading their personal space, potentially leading to feelings of discomfort or unease.
Respect Is Usually Reciprocated
Those who think they know everything, those who feel they are better than everyone else, people who are always so negative in life, the greedy, angry, selfish, and rude, the disrespectful and unreliable - always turning up late - time-wasters were all mentioned as reasons for someone's dislike or hatred of someone they know and initially liked and respected.
While some people may develop an intense hatred towards individuals who exhibit these behaviours, most people would feel a sense of dislike or discomfort around them rather than hate.
It's Not Always External
People's circumstances, mental health problems and disagreements arising from allegiance to different sports teams, political views, and personal values were all cited as a cause for people's hatred.
Your appearance can cause some people to dislike you immediately, whether due to physical pain or mental health issues. For instance, if you are struggling with pain or have a troubled mind, it may reflect on your face making you appear angry or unapproachable, making people afraid or unaware of how to deal with you, leading them to avoid you. However, this does not necessarily mean that they hate you, but rather that they feel uncomfortable or uncertain around you.
...even as I walked away, all those words I dictated stayed with me, making me ponder the complexities of human behaviour and the wide range of attitudes and emotions that can exist within us all.
When someone in the chat room said, "I hate people that ask too many questions," I knew it was time for a quick exit. My work was complete. But even as I walked away, all those words I dictated stayed with me, making me ponder the complexities of human behaviour and the wide range of attitudes and emotions that can exist within us all.
What Can I Do About People's Hatred or Dislike of Me?
You can try to persevere through any outright prejudice.
What people like or dislike about people could be as simple as one's aura, chemistry or zodiac sign. Or why they don't get along. Or misunderstanding, not knowing, or not trusting someone well enough and could be seen as someone disliking you.
If you find that people are taking an instant dislike to you without getting to know you, there are a few things you can do:
- Try to understand the reasons why they might be reacting this way. Is it because of something you said or did? Is it due to an experience or association they have with people similar to you?
- Work on building rapport and understanding with the person to break down barriers and improve their perception of you.
- Communicate clearly and effectively. Speak calmly and confidently to make sure that your message is clear.
- Be respectful and open-minded towards the other person's perspective, even if you disagree.
- Practice empathy and try to understand where the other person is coming from.
- Show them your authenticity and genuineness, and try to be consistent in how you present yourself.
Lastly, you can't control how others perceive you, but you can control how you present yourself and respond to their perceptions. Unfortunately, sometimes, with some people, there is little hope.
This is where acceptance comes in - if the cause is lost, let it be so. Accept that it is impossible to be loved (or even liked) by everyone.
Why Do Some People Hate Themselves?
- Body Dysmorphic. A mental health condition is where a person constantly worries about flaws in their appearance.
- Self-deprecation. The act of belittling, undervaluing or disparaging oneself or being overly modest.
- Narcissistic personality disorder. A mental condition in which one has an inflated sense of own importance, a need for excessive attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.
- Self-hatred / Self-Loathing. The hatred of oneself. Also, too much hate for oneself will attract hatred from others. Just as much as projecting happiness and having love for yourself will be just as attractive.
LBC radio presenter Nick Abbot has said multiple times on his shows: "Everyone hates everyone. If they don't dress like you, look like you, talk like you, or have different views than you, then you're not going to like them". What surprised me about that comment was no one disagreed with him. Was he right?
You only have to observe people in public to notice this, much like the well-known proverb, 'birds of a feather flock together' meaning people of the 'same sort', with 'similar looks' will be found together, unless they are individuals who may be work colleagues, members of a sports club or hobby group on a lunch break. It's also important to recognise that people from different backgrounds and walks of life can also come together and form meaningful connections.
There is also so much hate on social media posts from trolls on Facebook and Twitter, filled with hatred. If you Google search the name of any celebrity with the words "I hate", you will discover why people hate them.
We also have to understand when individuals feel bad about themselves or are struggling with mental health; they may project their self-loathing onto others instead of dealing with them. Some may have a paranoid personality disorder. Others have personality disorders such as paranoid personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder, which could cause them to be overly suspicious or self-centred in their interactions with others.
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.
— Elie WieselThe Key Takeaways
Hating someone is easy, just like I hated olives as a child. As an adult, I still didn't like olives due to my childhood experience of accidentally mistaking one for a grape. However, I decided to try them again and discovered how nice they tasted, as well as their health benefits and history. It just took time to adjust to the new flavour. Similarly, people are like olives. They don't always go well with everyone or complement every dish, just like how not everyone gets along with each other. However, in some cases, olives can be the perfect companion.
Some people may not necessarily hate you, but they may feel a bit uncomfortable or have a dislike towards you initially. However, this can be overcome by your personality once they get to know you better.
Oscar Wilde famously said, "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken," which is not entirely true. We can all learn, grow, and change. Having role models and aspiring to be like others can inspire us to become better versions of ourselves. Whether young or old.
Don't forget, the things people dislike about us, others will find charming and likeable. The things that people hate about us, others will love. That's the weird and wonderful reality of life.
Thankfully, society is becoming more diverse and inclusive, reflected in media TV, films, and real life, leading to greater acceptance and understanding of differences and breaking down stereotypes and prejudices.
Oscar Wilde famously said, "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken," which is not entirely true. We can all learn, grow, and change. Having role models and aspiring to be like others can inspire us to become better versions of ourselves. Whether young or old.
People are becoming more comfortable with diversity and less likely to discriminate, but we still have work to do for true equality and build a society that recognises and celebrates people, regardless of their appearances, social status, backgrounds, and personalities.
We all have qualities that make us unique and lovable in our way. So if someone doesn't like you, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You should focus on being kind, empathetic, and true to yourself, and the right people will appreciate and love us for who you are.
In the end, it's important to embrace diversity and celebrate differences. Let's continue to spread kindness, positivity and acceptance and make the world a better place for everyone.
And don't forget to smile, because the world always looks brighter with a smile on your face! :)
Inspirational Quotes
- You cannot truly love another until you know how to love yourself.
- To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.
- People are like chalk and cheese. They don't always go together, no matter how hard you try.
- Owning your story and loving yourself through that process is the bravest thing you'll ever do.
- Be proud of who you are and not ashamed of how someone else sees you.
Do YOU judge people by their initial appearance?
- 27% Yes
- 30% No
- 43% Sometimes
How long does it take you to make an opinion of someone you've just met?
- 11% Less than 10 seconds
- 30% A minute or two
- 32% About 10 or 20 minutes
- 6% An hour or two
- 21% One or two days
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