List of Contents
- Welcome to the World of Honest Feedback
- The Art of Getting Real Feedback
- How it Works: Self-Confirming
- Choosing People for Feedback
- People to Exclude from Feedback
- Final Thoughts - Embrace Feedback
Welcome to the World of Honest Feedback!
We often avoid giving honest feedback to maintain social harmony, prevent hurt feelings, or keep a friendly atmosphere intact. For instance, we may have complimented friends on their new hairstyles, outfits, or culinary creations, even if we didn’t truly think they were that great.
Balancing honesty with kindness is a common part of our lives, whether dealing with acquaintances or close friends. It can be frustrating when we, or others, genuinely crave real feedback and opinions about ourselves or something we’ve created.
In the business world, anonymous surveys are often used to gather feedback on customer or product satisfaction. The anonymity makes it easier for people to be honest, as they don’t have to worry about being identified or seeming rude or judgemental. However, this can hinder personal growth and limit opportunities for improvement.
Honest feedback is crucial for self-development and building stronger relationships. However, getting these honest opinions can be difficult, especially when relying on our immediate support systems. To overcome this, I have developed techniques that use psychology and harmless white lies to elicit genuine feedback.
The Art of Getting Real Feedback
Hair-Do? or Hair Don't!: During the pandemic, I decided to take the plunge and cut my own hair. Not entirely satisfied with the results, I realised I needed outside perspectives. To get honest feedback, I employed a little trick: I pretended that a friend had given me the haircut. By distancing myself from the decision, I made it easier for people to be more candid with their opinions.
For instance, I’d show my haircut from different angles and say, "A friend was practising on me, but I won’t let them do it again." Or, if I was especially unhappy with the result, I’d claim I’d gone to a new, inexperienced barber. These harmless white lies created a sense of distance, allowing people to offer honest criticism without feeling the need to spare my feelings. By pretending the haircut was someone else’s mistake, I was able to get more objective feedback.
To make it truly convincing or to uncover the real truth, ask your friend if they’d let this person cut their hair for free. Their reaction will tell you everything
How it Works: Self-Confirming
When you tell someone that a friend cut your hair and you dislike it, you’re essentially confirming that you already think it’s bad. This can make people feel more comfortable agreeing with you, as they don’t feel like they’re being overly critical. By shifting the focus away from yourself and onto someone else, you reduce the likelihood of them feeling uncomfortable or hesitant about being honest. This technique encourages more truthful feedback.
Hair Colour/Style Roulette: If you've taken a gamble with a dramatic change to your eyebrows, hair colour, or hairstyle—or perhaps cut off all your head or facial hair for a daring new look—you can use the concept of a "bet gone wrong." Before anyone has the chance to react to your bold transformation, explain that you "lost a bet" or "did it for charity" while wearing a glum expression and observing their body language. Are they shocked, amused, or genuinely impressed? If they encourage you to embrace the change, fantastic! But if they disapprove or express concerns about your new look, you can always revert to your previous style or make adjustments to find the perfect balance.
Not everyone wants to stand out or draw attention, and some people prefer to blend in. The key is to strike a balance between expressing your personal style and avoiding choices that may be inappropriate or draw unwanted negative attention—unless, of course, that's your intention!
Clothing Confessions - Am I Dressing Appropriately?:
If you’re considering wearing something daring, a bold statement piece, or a dramatic change in style, you can once again employ the "I lost a bet" technique. When someone you know catches sight of you, simply say, "Don’t laugh. I lost a bet and had to wear this," and then observe their reactions. People tend to be more honest when giving feedback about others' clothing choices.
If you decide to wear the item again—something you were initially embarrassed about—you can follow up with, "You know when I lost a bet? Well, it’s kind of grown on me!" This way, you acknowledge the initial discomfort while showing that your confidence in the choice has evolved, which might prompt even more genuine feedback.
Alternatively, if you're unsure whether a piece of clothing is too small, too large, or too tight, you can playfully remark, "It shrunk in the wash," or "I didn’t have time to do the laundry, so I had to borrow a friend’s." By incorporating these light-hearted strategies into your wardrobe adventures, you may discover some interesting clothing confessions.
Fashion is all about self-expression, so don’t be afraid to experiment. These playful excuses can spark conversations and encourage more honest feedback about your clothing choices.
Interior Design/Colour/Style Dilemma:
Some people simply lack taste or have no concept of style or fashion. This became evident when I met a newly arrived neighbour to the UK who wanted me to do some work for him. I couldn’t help but notice the ghastly dark pink wallpaper in his front room, which was covered with thousands of birds in the same design. It was quite something – and not in a good way. He told me, "Everyone liked it," but I had to be honest and replied, "They were lying." I explained that such a bold colour and style would be more effective as a feature wall, limited to just one side of the room.
He really appreciated my honesty, as he was eager to impress—he was trying to meet a woman and start a family. In the end, he hired me to remove the wallpaper from three of the walls, despite having just paid someone to put it up the week before!
I also shared with him a way to get more honest feedback. I suggested that when visitors arrive, he could casually say, "This wallpaper/colour/furniture was already here, and I was given it, but I’m planning to change/remove it ASAP," and then closely observe their reactions. If they expressed approval, he could always add, "It’s growing on me," to justify keeping it. Alternatively, you could also own up to the little white lie to test their honesty.
Not everyone can pull off any hairstyle, hair colour, dress, clothing design, or style. What looks good on one person may not suit another due to individual features, body proportions, skin tone, personal fashion preferences, occasion, and age.
Symphony of Truths: Do You Have Talent? As someone who loved creating music but worried about how my songs or singing voice would be received by others, I discovered a simple trick that really worked. When I was with friends or colleagues who shared similar tastes but didn’t know about my singing, or when I felt they might not recognise my voice, I would pretend to be flicking through the radio and secretly play my song. It was fascinating to observe their reactions and gestures as they listened. Their toe-tapping, head-nodding, and other physical responses provided me with valuable cues about how they connected with the music.
If they didn’t say or do anything, I’d prompt them by asking, "Who sings this?" or "Have you heard this before?" Sometimes, if I sensed any dissatisfaction, I’d even say, "Shall I play something else?" It was a nerve-wracking but enlightening experience that helped me gather valuable feedback naturally. When I eventually revealed my talent to them, they were genuinely surprised.
By introducing my song this way, I gave them the freedom to express their opinions without influence. Their reactions and comments, whether positive or negative, provided valuable insights into how my music appealed to others.
Cosmetics: Help To 'Make Up' Your Mind: If you want honest feedback on your make-up skills, playfully tell your friends, "Hey guys, don’t laugh. I let my friend practice their make-up skills on me, and I told them I was happy with it to avoid hurting their feelings." Observe their initial reactions and take note of their genuine opinions. Regardless of what they say, respond with a light-hearted comment like, "I’m going to remove it as soon as I get the chance." This helps create an environment where they feel more comfortable expressing their true thoughts. You might be surprised when they all chime in with, "It looks great!"
Once you hear their positive reassurances, you can decide to keep the style and say, "You know what? I think I’ll keep it!" Thanking them for their support not only reinforces your decision but also strengthens your connections with your friends.
Food: Homemade Tasty Feedback: A neighbour used to visit me regularly, bringing her homemade cakes in the hope that I would like them. Truthfully, neither I nor my friends enjoyed them, which often left me feeling guilty when I binned them. Eventually, she started a cake business, but it didn’t find much success. This experience made me realise that I wished I had been honest with her about our thoughts on her cakes.
If she had packaged her cakes and pretended she had purchased them from a shop and then asked for my opinion, I believe I would have felt more comfortable providing candid feedback. For instance, if she had said, "What do you think of these cakes? Should I buy them again or buy you something else?" it would have opened the door for more honest conversation. Trying this approach with different cakes, presenting them as if they came from various shops, could have helped her determine which cakes were the most popular.
Alcohol: Homemade Brew: The next time you have friends over, consider taking inspiration from my best friend and conducting a blind taste test with your homemade brew. She poured her creations into glasses without letting anyone see what they were beforehand. Then, she asked her guests to guess the price of the bottle or can (for beer) based on their tasting experience.
If you want to follow her tips, be sure to pay close attention to their expressions as well as their comments, as facial reactions can be incredibly valuable. Whether they expressed delight or disgust, it’s important not to take it personally if someone didn’t enjoy your brew. Any suggestions they offered can be incredibly helpful in refining your homemade creations for next time.
Fragrance: Whiff of Truth: If you're unsure about a new perfume or cologne you’re wearing, consider a playful approach to gauge others' reactions. You could say to those around you, especially in a confined space, "I apologise for my aroma if you can smell it; I told my friend I disliked this scent, but she thought it would be funny to spray me with it just as I was leaving."
Alternatively, you might mention, "Apologies for my aroma. I was in such a rush that I accidentally sprayed myself with a bottle I kept for decorative purposes and never used." To make it more believable, you could add, "I know, it's not pleasant," and "I did try to wash it off." This way, you can sniff out the truth about how people really feel about your scent!
Taste is Subjective
There's a saying, "You can please some of the people all the time, you can please all the people some of the time, but you can't please all the people all the time."
While everyone has different tastes, it's true that most people appreciate quality and good taste. So, even though we have different preferences, the majority of us tend to like and appreciate good tastes and quality on a regular basis.
Handmade Items - Anonymously Crafted: When seeking honest feedback on a handmade item, consider this simple trick: casually mention that you purchased the item from a charity shop because it was inexpensive. Then, ask your guests, "What do you honestly think? Would you have bought it?" or "How much do you think it's worth?" Follow up by asking if they would buy it from you! This approach allows you to gather a range of perspectives on the item's quality, providing you with valuable insights.
Try and Sell It, or Give It Away: Take your homemade item to a shop that buys and sells similar items. Mention that it was a gift or that you acquired it from a charity shop. Shopkeepers and employers are often more honest in their assessments if they believe you’re not too attached to the item. Ask how much they think it’s worth. If they aren't interested, engage them in conversation about the item to evaluate its quality and gather opinions. Express your curiosity about its potential value; not everyone will like your work, and that’s okay. The essential thing is to get feedback from different people to learn and grow as an artist. Encourage open conversations about your item to promote honest opinions.
Blame the Kids!
If you receive negative feedback about something you made, created, or wearing, a relatable way to handle the situation without causing embarrassment or discomfort is to say that 'your child (or friend's child) made/chose it'. This is a classic white lie that can help you deflect the criticism and save face.
Stealthy Review: If you’re looking for honest feedback on your writing, whether it’s an article or another piece you’re developing, consider this approach. Find someone who would be perfect for what they’re about to read—ideally, someone with good common sense and an understanding of the topic. Casually mention that you’re having some temporary eyesight problems, making it difficult for you to read clearly today. Explain that you’d like their help with something you found online or were given.
You could share the document on your device, like a notepad, or even have it printed out. Ask them to read it and share their thoughts on whether the content sounds plausible, or if the advice and context are suitable. This way, you can gather genuine feedback on its context, spelling and grammar without revealing your identity as the writer, allowing them to provide their honest insights.
Note: It is always a good idea to have your work read by multiple people to gather diverse perspectives to provide valuable insights and enhance the quality of your writing.
Bum's the Word: Does My Bum Look Big in This?
If you're concerned about the size of your bum while shopping for a new outfit, consider this approach: select two pairs of trousers—whether jeans, leggings, or a dress—and say to the salesperson, "Look, I don't want any false flattery. My friends and family always tell me my bum is too big for my body. Please let me know which of these two outfits will make my bum appear smaller." By doing this, you set the stage for more honest responses, as you've already acknowledged your concerns about your body.
If the salesperson looks you in the eye and says something like, "What are you talking about? Your friends must be blind or jealous," or "I wish I had your bum," it can be a helpful indication that your bum is not too big for your body size.
Ultimately, remember that the most important thing is to find an outfit that makes you feel confident and comfortable. If you’re happy with how you look, then that’s all that truly matters.
By mastering the skill of reading body language, including facial expressions, tone of voice, and gestures, you can bring more credibility to people's responses to understand their true thoughts and feelings, making your interactions more accurate and meaningful.
Roast-Off: Friendship Game On! One of the most enlightening and enjoyable experiences I've had with friends is through the "roasting" game! In this game, players take turns delivering clever and funny jabs at each other, all in good fun. The goal is to spread smiles and laughter, not to cause offence or insult. It’s a fantastic way to get honest feedback in a light-hearted manner.
To play, gather a group of friends and find a cosy space where you can all relax. One person starts by sharing something funny or clever about another participant. The roasted person then responds with jokes at their own expense. The best roasts come from personal anecdotes or shared experiences. Encourage participants to dig deep into funny memories that can be turned into light-hearted jabs
Remember, as the saying goes, "Many a true word is spoken in jest!" (as shown in the video below).
Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt Roast Each Other
Assessing Your Appeal - Beauty: When it comes to assessing your appeal, physical appearance is just one aspect to consider. To gauge how attractive you are to someone, you might try a playful approach like saying, "Guess what? An online artificial intelligence robot rated me a mere 3 out of 10 for 'attractiveness.' A three! But I’ll take that." Pay close attention to their reaction.
Regardless of what they say, keep the conversation going by adding, "Then, online humans judged me, and I received a rating of 2 out of 10." This playful banter can open the door for honest feedback. Observe their comments and body language closely. If they confidently assert that you are at least an 8, 9, or even a 10 out of 10, respond with gratitude and humour: "If I never owned a mirror or were blind, I'd believe you." This playful exchange can help you gauge their true perception of your attractiveness.
If they insist that you’re a '10 out of 10' and emphasise that you're more beautiful than you think, it’s a positive sign. However, remember that being considered 'visually attractive' doesn’t necessarily equate to someone being 'romantically interested' in you.
True beauty extends far beyond physical appearance. While physical attraction can spark interest, it’s the inner qualities—kindness, intelligence, humour—that create lasting connections. By focusing on these attributes, you’ll attract people who appreciate you for who you are, not just for how you look.
Humans are social creatures who need to feel like they belong and are accepted. We have always wanted to be liked by others, and this desire has helped us survive since the dawn of time.
Have You Ever Bored Someone? Have you ever found yourself in a conversation—whether with a stranger or someone familiar—and later wondered if you might have bored them? One way to gauge this is by offering a light apology at the end of your chat, saying something like, "Sorry if I've been a bit dull" or "Sorry for boring you." If their response is "That's okay" or something similar, it may indicate that your conversation wasn’t engaging for them.
However, if they quickly reply with "No, you haven't bored me at all" and continue the conversation, it’s a positive sign that your chat was engaging. Also, pay attention to non-verbal cues such as avoiding eye contact, giving brief responses, fidgeting, or yawning. If you notice any of these signs, it might be best to wrap up the conversation.
Note: Boring someone is normal — everyone experiences it, and it's not necessarily your fault. However, if you find that you're frequently leaving people uninterested, it might be worthwhile to step back and reflect. Are you discussing topics they find exciting? Have you been monopolising the conversation? Consider whether you're sharing the speaking time or trying to dominate the dialogue. These reflections can help you improve your conversational skills.
Pleased or Displeased for Intruding: Have you ever approached a stranger in public and started a conversation, only to wonder if you’ve inconvenienced them? Here’s a useful tip: after your chat, express your gratitude by saying, “Thanks, and sorry for bothering you.” Pay close attention to their response. If they reply with phrases like “Don’t be silly” or “You’re not bothering me at all” and continue the conversation, it’s a positive sign that they enjoyed the interaction.
However, if they respond with “That’s okay,” especially without further engagement or if they quickly return to what they were doing—such as looking away or abruptly deciding to do something else—it may indicate that you were intruding or that they were displeased with the conversation.
Note: While these tips can help you gauge whether you’ve inconvenienced or bored a stranger, there’s no foolproof method to know for sure. This advice is based on general observations and may not apply to every individual or situation. Different people have varying levels of comfort when approached by strangers, and their responses may be influenced by many factors.
Feedback for Success: If you're looking for feedback on your work—whether it’s painting, gardening, writing, or creating something else—seeking guidance is a natural step toward improvement. This strategy has worked for me in the past. When presenting your work to your boss or client, you might say something like, "I apologise for the poor quality; I've been dealing with personal issues lately, but I'll do better next time," or "I know I could have done better, but I had a lot on my mind." If they offer positive feedback or express surprise at the quality of your work, it’s encouraging. However, if they don’t say much or accept your reasons without further comment, it could indicate room for improvement. Remember, seeking feedback is vital for growing and refining your skills, even if not everyone provides honest insights.
Keep in mind that not all individuals who commission work will give you honest feedback about its quality; sometimes, a client or boss may choose to hire someone else without explicitly expressing dissatisfaction with your work.
Share and Share Alike Game: If you're eager to understand how others see you, playing the "Share and Share Alike" game can provide a fun opportunity to gain insights. To play, find someone you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with, then take turns sharing five positive and five negative things about each other.
The positive aspects should genuinely reflect what you appreciate about the other person, such as their sense of humour, kindness, or intelligence. For instance, you might say, "I love how you always know how to make me laugh," or "I admire your ability to stay calm in stressful situations."
The negative feedback should focus on minor annoyances or habits that you find frustrating but are not deal-breakers. For example, you might mention, "It bothers me a bit when you're consistently late to our meet-ups," or "I find it a little frustrating when you leave your things scattered around." The goal is to concentrate on behaviours rather than personality traits to avoid hurt feelings and make the feedback more actionable.
I've found that this approach not only creates a safe space for honest exchange but also strengthens relationships. By sharing insights in a constructive way, you can both gain valuable perspectives on how you’re perceived.
Additionally, you can ask each other specific questions to delve deeper into each other's perceptions. Some questions could include:
- What are three things I do that make you smile?
- What are two habits of mine that you think I could improve on?
- How do you feel when I [specific action]?
- What is something I do that makes you feel appreciated?
- What is one thing I do that annoys you, and how can I address it?
By taking turns sharing and asking these types of questions, you create a balanced and open dialogue. This not only helps you understand how others perceive you, but also strengthens your relationship. Don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself or the other person; the goal of this game is to find out what the other person thinks about you.
People always say, "I don't care what people think of me," but from my experiences, it's the rare few individuals, including those with mental health problems, who truly don't care. Most of us want to look our best, impress, and be the best version of ourselves.
Extracting the Unknown About Others: If you're curious about what others truly think of a colleague, neighbour, or associate, try a subtle approach. Begin by talking to someone who knows them well, mentioning that you have a good relationship with that person but feel there’s something you don’t quite understand about them. You could say things like, "I can't quite work them out," or "There's something about them, I can't put my finger on." Phrases like, "I get mixed signals from them sometimes," or "I'm not sure that I completely understand their personality," can also be effective. This framing allows the other person to share their thoughts without feeling like you're being negative about the individual in question.
If the person you're asking responds with questions like "What do you mean?" or "In what way?" you can simply say, "I don't know" and reiterate, "I can't put my finger on it." This demonstrates that you’re not trying to be critical and encourages them to share their honest thoughts.
This approach opens the door for genuine conversations, allowing you to gather insights without sounding overly critical. It can be a valuable way to better understand how others perceive the person in question. For a more direct approach, you could also consider asking the individual directly for their thoughts on the other person. Ultimately, the best method for gathering insights will depend on the context and the relationship you have with the person you’re speaking to.
People to Include for Feedback
People to Include for Feedback: Now that you know how to get honest feedback from others, it can significantly improve your decision-making skills and lead to positive changes in your personal and professional life. To ensure you receive genuine and constructive feedback, consider asking the following types of people:
Trusted Adults: These individuals genuinely care about you and want to see you succeed. They can provide honest feedback, even when it's not what you want to hear. I've found that their perspective often highlights areas I might overlook.
Peers: Your peers are people similar to you in age and experience. They can offer valuable feedback, but be selective about whom you ask. Choose peers you trust and who will provide honest insights. In my experience, their viewpoints often resonate closely with my own challenges.
Experts: If you're seeking feedback on a specific topic, don’t hesitate to ask an expert. This could be a teacher, coach, or someone with relevant experience. I've often turned to experts for guidance, and their knowledge has been instrumental in my growth.
Mentors: These are individuals who guide and support you in your personal or professional development. Mentors can offer constructive feedback based on their expertise and experience, which can be incredibly valuable. I've had mentors who have steered me in the right direction with their insights.
Boss: Seeking feedback from your boss, especially in a professional setting, can be highly beneficial. They understand the context of your work and can provide valuable insights for improvement. I’ve found that their feedback often leads to actionable steps that can enhance my performance.
By reaching out to these individuals, you can create a robust feedback network that promotes growth and development.
People to Exclude From Feedback
- Negative People: These individuals will only tear you down and make you feel bad about yourself. Their feedback can be overly critical or hurtful, undermining your confidence and self-esteem.
- Jealous People: Be cautious about seeking feedback from those who might be envious of your success or achievements. Jealous individuals may attempt to bring you down or sabotage your progress.
- People Who Don't Know You Well: These individuals may not have a good understanding of who you are as a person, leading to feedback that is neither accurate nor helpful.
- Insecure Individuals: Some people may project their insecurities onto you through their feedback. Their comments can stem from their own fears and uncertainties, rather than genuinely helping you grow.
- Constant Critics: Avoid seeking feedback from those who are perpetual critics and rarely offer positive or constructive insights. Their feedback is often unbalanced and may not contribute to your personal development.
By avoiding these individuals when seeking feedback, you can protect your self-esteem and ensure that the insights you receive are constructive and supportive.
Final Thoughts - Embrace Feedback
Feedback might seem scary, but it’s not a personal attack. It reflects someone’s perspective on your work or actions.
View feedback as an opportunity to learn and grow. Avoid taking it personally or becoming defensive. Instead, listen carefully and consider how you can improve.
If you’re unsure how to respond, it’s perfectly fine to ask for clarification or examples. The key is to remain open and willing to learn.
Embracing feedback allows you to enhance your skills in both your personal and professional life. So, welcome it with an open mind and use it to fuel your self-improvement journey.
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